Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Ordinary Day

Normal day! Holding it in my hand this one moment, i have come to see it as more than an ordinary rock. it is a gem, a jewel...normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. let me learn from you, love you, savor you, bless you before you depart. let me not pass you by in a quest for some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it will not always be so. One day i shall...want more than all the world your return. And then i will know what I now am guessing: that you are, indeed, a common rock, and not a jewel, but that a common rock made of the very mass substance of the earth in all its strength and plenty puts a gem to shame. 
-Mary Jean Irion

I couldn't sleep last night. I lay down twice but to no avail. The brain would not stop racing. Got up to write down the thoughts that plagued my little computer brain in hopes that having them on paper would soften their voices and allow me to sleep. It worked, sort of.

These days, though filled with Christmas festivities and preparations for festivities including visitors, are still ordinary days. Part of why my mind is racing so much is because of the run up for the new year. I love making resolutions, goals, and planning projects. The idea of a "new me" thrills and excites me. 2015 could bring anything and I see this as the year that I can do any and all the things. However, in my old age (ha!), I'm coming to the realization that I am what I am.

Linda Eyre writes in her book, I didn't plan to be a witch, that children are seeds to be nourished, not clay to be molded. I am still a child, just an older one. Just because I have my own children does not mean that I cease to require nourishment; we all stand in need of nourishment. In order to fully comprehend where I need nourished, I need to find where I lack. This can only be found within the ordinary day. 

Mornings are not my friend, never have been, probably never will be, but this is where the ordinary day starts. Morning. Currently, it's cold and dark, even at 7:30 am, but that little fact does not deter children from waking up whenever they darn well please. Little man is pretty consistent at 6, such a morning lark which is hard for this night owl, and Wookie is not long after. Nins stumbles out whenever she hears parental movement and not a moment sooner (she's been trained well). Lately, sugar cereal has been the poison of choice, partly for convenience and partly because I'm just that lazy. My car pool gets me at 8:30 and the idea of leaving a sink full of dishes for husband to wash makes me feel like a horrible person so three bowls it is.

Then the daily 8 hour work day, 5 days a week. I enjoy my work mostly and think the people are pretty great, but it's a bit of a source of dissatisfaction. You see, I miss my children. (In my humble opinion) I should be home, raising, nurturing, and rearing each one of them. My husband does a fantastic job and truly is an AMAZING father. I cannot shout his praises loud enough, but we both would prefer a situation where our roles were reversed. In our current state, it doesn't seem possible (though I remind myself daily that through God all things are possible AND for those who remember the Brandy version of Cinderella Whitney Houston sings the "Impossible" song, Youtube it, you'll be glad you did). Impossible things happen every day. Every ordinary day.

In my restlessness, I wrote: I cannot wait around for "someday"... someday when my babies are older, someday when they are not whining, someday when we are rich, someday when I'm not working, someday when I'm not pregnant, someday when the weather is nice...because "someday" will NEVER come. Someday must become TOday. Not at the expense of shirking responsibilities, bills need paid and children need fed, but who's stopping us from hiking? camping? (things on my husband's "living list") eating pancakes for breakfast? following our dreams? ME! I am. By pushing things off to "someday," I am responsible for not creating those memories or the unfulfillment (made up word) of my own dreams. Denzel Washington said that "Dreams without goals remain dreams, just dreams, and ultimately fuel disappointment." Achieving goals requires discipline and consistency, two traits I sorely lack.

I don't want my dreams to remain dreams. My marriage and each of my children are dreams come true. They are my greatest blessings, which is easy to forget because they require a lot of work each and every single day. It is my hope to cease my quest for a perfect tomorrow, for the quintessential someday, and revel in the gift that today brings while still actively striving toward my goals and dreams. One ordinary day at a time.

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